Stuck watching Family Feud while waiting for a prescription the other day.

The question was, “Name something a man discovers about his fiancee that would make him call off the wedding” and the answers just made me hate everybody.

#1 She’s cheating (46)

#2 She’s a man (20)

#3: Married (7)

#4: Hooker (5)

#5 Bi/crazy 4 coochie (4)

#6 Ex-con/killer (4)

[There are the actual, literal wordings from the display board.]

Remembering the awkward conversations with my now husband where I tried to explain that one of the big advantages of marriage was access to divorce to help hash out child custody and child support if things went wrong.

He was pretty baffled, and I think a little hurt, by that argument.

transhcan-fire:

fauxcyborg:

thoughts when discussing “queer assimilation”

  • what sort of queerness is political to you? how do you afford to be political in your job? is this politicalness tied to any specific type of geographic location (cities, blue states vs rural areas, “flyover” states”)
  • what does assimilation entail exactly when the majority of LGBT+ people are born into non-LGBT+ families?
  • where do LGBT+ elders and minors fit into the sort of Acceptably Queer Life: are there resources specifically for people who don’t (or shouldn’t) be in clubs, bars?
  • what support is given to LGBT+ parents especially considering: Black lesbians are twice as likely than white lesbians to parent children and the racism found in many LGBT+ spaces? 
  • How do we create actual safe places in our communities and send messages that abuse is not tolerated, instead of vague handwaves at transformative justice rhetoric?
  • How can we define authenticity without falling into the liberal search for it that often involves appropriating or ‘slumming it’ temporarily?

[I converted the tags to text because I think they’re all really good points.  I will delete them if it’s a problem.]

idk, i don’t think the issue is so much literal ppl assimilating into ‘str8 culture’ as it is str8 ppl creating a racist, sexist, restrictive model of acceptable queerness,and assimilating THAT MODEL into their social norms

instead of actually breaking down any barriers,they just want to make it ok to be a white cis monogamous gay man in an ltr

i think that’s what ppl are thinking abt when they talk abt assimilation

that specific phenomenon is what id use the word to describe, personally, the thing is its not possible for 90% of queer ppl to ‘assimilate’ as in ‘meet the str8 white american standard for acceptable queerness’

bc we just.. aren’t white cis monog gay men in/seeking ltrs, or like, we dont want the things that the white str8 model holds up as desirable n normal

so idk,i def see what this post is saying and i agree w it (talking abt queer elders of color ‘assimilating’ by getting married is a fucking joke eg) but there are also good reasons why the str8 push n huge focus on marriage is a bad thing and thats what most ppl are talking abt when they say queer assimilation

so yeah, queerness

So, I’ve been reading a bunch of queer theory lately (e.g. Unlimited Intimacy, The Trouble with Normal, Times Square Red Times Square Blue) as well as a number of editorials on Truvada, and there is a certain anti-gay-marriage argument that seems very one dimensional, with a culture and community of public sex on one side and a very isolated, consumerist, semi-closeted concept of marriage on the other (with pre-screened drop-down-menu-based on-line hookups falling closest to the isolated, consumerist end.)  And clearly, a lot of that argument is coming as a response to Larry Kramer, Larry Sullivan, et al. saying that promiscuity is pathological, immature, and will be “cured” by gay marriage.

In The Trouble with Normal, Warner does spend a significant amount of space talking about what alternatives to gay marriage he would like to see (basically a range of legally recognized relationships so that each couple can choose only the benefits they want  — e.g. child custody, durable power of attorney, tax status, pension and death benefits, communal property and the right to its formalized dissolution, i.e. divorce).  But that doesn’t seem to be an argument that you hear articulated in the media.

But there is also a strain of the argument which is that public sex is the basis of gay community, and I think that is what the original poster was talking about.  So, as cruising goes online, there is a collapse and a consumerization of queer public spaces.  And the question is what queer spaces would you ideally want (in addition to, not instead of, bars and clubs)?

  • Places for teenagers (Could you ever get funding or official support for trying to set up a safe space for queer teens to have sex? Would it be actually a really terrible idea and prone to all kinds of abuse?)
  • Alcohol-free spaces
  • Free-of-charge spaces
  • Non-cruising spaces
  • Retirement and nursing homes
  • Family spaces. Particularly relevant because most queer people aren’t born into queer culture. Based on various disapproving stories my mother told me (and a couple comments from my father) I think my father was maybe sleeping with his roommate when he was in college, and I wonder what it would have been like to grow up queer in a household where bisexuality was just accepted as a possibility

It’s something I’ve been thinking about lately in terms of what kind of queer space I would want to go to at this point in my life.

fauxcyborg:

thoughts when discussing “queer assimilation”

  • what sort of queerness is political to you? how do you afford to be political in your job? is this politicalness tied to any specific type of geographic location (cities, blue states vs rural areas, “flyover” states”)
  • what does assimilation entail exactly when the majority of LGBT+ people are born into non-LGBT+ families?
  • where do LGBT+ elders and minors fit into the sort of Acceptably Queer Life: are there resources specifically for people who don’t (or shouldn’t) be in clubs, bars?
  • what support is given to LGBT+ parents especially considering: Black lesbians are twice as likely than white lesbians to parent children and the racism found in many LGBT+ spaces? 
  • How do we create actual safe places in our communities and send messages that abuse is not tolerated, instead of vague handwaves at transformative justice rhetoric?
  • How can we define authenticity without falling into the liberal search for it that often involves appropriating or ‘slumming it’ temporarily?
pinerosolanno:

Rue Aubriot, Paris, 1975

pinerosolanno:

Rue Aubriot, Paris, 1975

im-the-punk-who:

But like who first invented coffee who first thought ‘yes I’ve steeped these beans and roasted them let me drink this bitter ass bean juice mmm so yummy’

But I love the (probably apocryphal) story that coffee was discovered when some guy’s goats got spun as fuck from eating the beans from a particular bush.

Also, in the old days, I think everything was about 1000 times as bitter as it is today.  Like, before agriculture, everything tasted like dandelion leaves and cranberries, if you were lucky.

Tags: coffee

mazzystardust:

Plastic Letters Outtake, Los Angeles, Circa 1977

mazzystardust:

Plastic Letters Outtake, Los Angeles, Circa 1977

nonvolleyball:

worn-smooth:

Words I avoid using because they confuse me:

belie

nonplussed

bemused

I feel compelled to respond to this both because I’m a word geek & because I think(?) we first started interacting via tumblr over a post you’d done about using/avoiding particular words. (I could look that up but I’m supposed to be working right now anyway.)

"belie" is used incorrectly pretty much constantly—dudevolleball & I have a running thing where we note correct usages just because they’re so rare (& perhaps also because we’re huge nerds). this bit is actually an example of its accurate deployment; basically, you always want it pointing at the thing that’s being hidden, but it’s often deployed in the inverse. so I can say “the fact that I’m spending time on tumblr right now belies my claim that I have so much work to do,” but I can’t (or shouldn’t) say “my ostensible busyness is belied by the fact that I’m on tumblr” (even though you see it used that way all the time).

the day I learned that “nonplussed” meant “confused” vs. “unimpressed” was a very sad day indeed. it just sounds like it should mean “unimpressed,” & it’s often misused as though it does, so it’s basically a sad choice between “use this word incorrectly in a way that’s rhetorically effective” or “use this word correctly even though we already have a ton of other synonyms, then confuse people regarding your intended meaning.” on the plus side, the statement “I’m nonplussed regarding the word ‘nonplussed’” is accurate no matter which definition you’re going with.

"bemused" I’ve never really had a problem with though—something about its sense of "amused confusion" makes sense to me with the way it sounds. (then again, M-W just informed me that it has another meaning of "to occupy the attention of,” which I’ve never heard before, so maybe this is just blissful ignorance talking.

…& speaking of words, I should probably go write some in the course of the job I get paid to do. still, this was a fun distraction (that I, apparently, bemused myself with).

So here’s my post from a year and a half ago about my atrocious word usage.  Just looking at it makes me feel guilty about the amount of editing I am currently not doing. [Though I do have a good excuse, since I NEED to finish my postdoc before I combust from frustration and general lack of progress in my life.]

In my head, bemused is about wry amusement, but I guess it actually means something about bafflement, and I just can’t fit it into sentences when it doesn’t do what I want it to.  I have a similar problem with quixotic, which I want to use to mean quirky.  Nonplussed, I’ve just given up on, and belie is something that I would really like to use properly, but would need to assign myself some homework on.

dormanta:

Natalie Westling and Liam Gardner in "Hang out fall in love" by Alasdair McLellan for i-D Pre-Fall 2014

dormanta:

Natalie Westling and Liam Gardner in "Hang out fall in love" by Alasdair McLellan for i-D Pre-Fall 2014

Catherine Keener as Maxine Lund | Being John Malkovich (1999)

(Source: scarlettsbutt, via nearlyvintage)